The Other Feminine Mistake
Leslie Bennetts recently wrote a book titled The Feminine Mistake, dealing with the societal issues and ramifications of stay-at-home-moms. The book got a lot of buzz online, and Bennetts appeared on The Colbert Report, but sales didn't really follow through.
The New York Times ran an article this past week about the whole situation, ultimately noting that online buzz doesn't translate into book sales. Indeed, a lot of coverage on this book and its touchy subject has come from bloggers who haven't read the book. I, uhm, haven't. But that's not the point of my post - really!
The point is that when BFBer AndyJo read the NYTimes article, she had a weird feeling in her gut:
The article itself made no reference to her weight. Indeed, the article was very good coverage of what may or may not drive book sales when the topic of the book is controversial. In the body of the article, the reporter made reference to a blogger dismissing the author's work for being fat. Oh boy...
By looking at the photo accompanying the piece one could guess that Bennetts is about average size which, in lots of circles, is considered fat.
Apparently the fact that Bennetts is fat really annoyed the blogger referenced in the NYTimes article. Jennifer Weiner posted about that blogger's entry wherein she stooped to calling Bennetts fat:
I wasn’t expecting sizism.
I wasn’t expecting Penelope Trunk.
Penelope Trunk is a professional beach volleyball player turned business advice columnist with a book of her own to flog.
Her thoughtful, informed critique of [The Feminine Mistake] seems to boil down to this: who is Leslie Bennett to offer anyone life advice when Bennetts is “SO INCREDIBLY FAT!!!†(Caps and exclamation points Trunk’s).
“This woman,†Trunk wrote, in a blog post she’s since deleted and replaced with a sorta-kinda apology, “"is walking around telling people you have to have a career while you're raising kids in order to take care of yourself, and she is obviously not taking care of herself. Look, I wouldn't be harping on this if she weren't so fat..."
Incredible. Weiner goes on to ask what this means if Trunk really did mean what she wrote (and since revoked from her site): could she, and would she, dismiss this woman's entire premise and work out of hand just because she is fat?
The original post from Trunk's site is gone and has been replaced with an apology. (It's not in Google's cache nor the Wayback Machine, either.) That post's title was, "Review of Boomer Advice on Blending Kids and Career Outdated and Leslie Bennetts is Really Fat." Really. That's it. Google cached the apology page and you can get some insight from the comments therein, including the fact that Dr. Laura (gah) also decided to dismiss Bennetts due to her size. Indeed, Dr. Laura fueled that fire while recalling a time she was interviewed by Bennetts:
...she took a look at my figure and disdainfully asked me if I was a size zero, while she was somewhere between fat and obese, and I was trying to get her an appropriate sandwich, but she wanted to eat something with a lot of mayonnaise - I knew there was a problem from that point on, to be honest with you.
Yes, because fat female authors love that mayo!
Anyway, this whole big mess is disappointing because it's exposed more fat hatred - this time exclusively amongst women, and within the literary community. The problem is two-fold: first, that calling someone "fat" is still considered insulting and negative and hurtful; second, that people are quite willing to use that as an excuse to judge others.
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Posted by paul on April 28, 2007
AndyJo also pointed out a blogger who disagrees with Dr. Laura, but agrees on the fat front. (link NSFW - lots o'cursin'):
Classy!
Edited to add: this blogger contacted me and asked that I point out she did disagree with Dr. Laura.
I don't know what I hate more -- mayonnaise or Dr. Laura. I tend to think that if the latter thinks you don't have it together upstairs, though, you're probably doing great. (And if I was having lunch with her I'd be sure to order the fries and make plenty of "yummy" noises while eating them, even if they weren't that good.)
Pretty sad when an average-sized woman is attacked as ipso facto "not taking care of herself" just because you can't see her ribs sticking out of her tank top. I'm sure there are women all over the movies and television with far, far, far worse self-care habits (Lindsay Lohan, anyone?), but like someone here said once (I can't remember who, if it was you feel free to ID yourself), most people don't care so much about other people's actual health so much as their ability to create the illusion of health. For women in the media, that involves plastic surgery and injections and tons of makeup and hair dye and generally not eating or throwing up what you do eat and perhaps chain-smoking and/or taking speed and/or knocking back a few drinks to make yourself forget your discomfort -- what a healthy glow all of that creates!
Probably women who do all of that aren't as reviled as someone like Bennetts because they are known to be working extra extra hard and sacrificing in order to "look good," and someone like Bennetts is seen to have gotten away with not sacrificing herself and every second of her free time on the altar of Great Feminine Beauty -- how dare she? Doesn't she know women are supposed to suffer and give give give endlessly? Er...no, actually, she doesn't. That's why she wrote a book about it.
Regarding the POH blog: Lots o' cursing, Paul? I'd should say! Calling a woman a "f***ing c**t," any woman, is hardly pro-woman and advances the cause of no women, not stay-at-homers (as I am), not 9-to-fivers, not 60-hour-a-weekers, not 90-hour-a-weekers.
Despite her friendly invitation to read the whole thing, I couldn't make it for the gratuitous nastiness. Her kind of incivility, which has become so commonplace, is setting society back and putting any kind of progress, social or political, into gridlock. Nothing good comes of this kind of stuff.
Regarding Leslie Bennetts, I saw her on a morning talk show. I did not hear gratuitous incivility at all, and, as a stay-at-home mom I would have been sensitive to it. I might disagree with the research, the author's conclusions, etc., but I fully support Leslie Bennetts's right to experss her opinions. And it appears her marriage is strong, despite POH's nasty projections. Bennetts is not protecting herself from divorce so much as she is acknowledging the havoc wreaked on so many women by the unexpected (divorce being only one of many unplanned set-backs), and those of us who pause our careers need to do an enormous amount of planning, which currently is atypical.
Now, regarding Bennetts' size. She is vulnerable to gratuitous jabs. The morning talk show revealed a woman who is well dressed and professional, but definitely much larger than average. If I were her publicist, I would advise her to not eat sandwiches with Dr. Laura.
I don't know if I'd be so quick to conclude that Bennetts is "much larger than average." Remember that on camera people always look considerably heavier than IRL. The photo I saw of Bennetts that accompanied the NY Times article made me think she is perhaps a size 16 or so, which is right around average.
Anyway, Dr. Laura is probably going to spit on any author, regardless of size, who doesn't think all women with kids (except Dr. Laura herself) should be forced to become full-time housewives -- if it wasn't a jab over "mayo," she'd probably have gone after the woman's manicure or tooth bonding or something equally petty.
The patronizing gall of Dr. Laura to think she gets to decide what people eat! The idea that fat people have to eat what other people think they should eat infuriates me.
"An appropriate sandwich" is any sandwich that we choose to eat, mayonaisse or not.
Nothing brings out the rebel in me more than self-appointed Food Police.
Cheers,
Melanie
In the '70s the key character in the movie, Network, shouted out "I'm as mad as hell, and I'm not going to take this anymore!"
That about sums it up for me.
I'm tired of just complaining about these issues. I'm buying Bennetts' book as some kind of action, albeit weak.
We can't change people's souls, but somehow we got to try to teach them manners.
-Kathi
Looks not fat, but like a powerful woman to me. And that scares a lot of people. Women aren't supposed to take up too much space (literal, rhetorical, you name it) in the world, and that's part of what hating fat women is about. Focusing on what dress size a woman is (or who she screws) instead of on the work she is doing is anti-woman in the extreme.
"dr" laura should worry less about other people's food details ("appropriate" food!, lmao) and more about what's "appropriate" for her own self, such as non-codependent, non-offensive, and respectful behavior towards the adults she encounters. Not that she ever will, of couse. Personally, I hope that crazy woman dies, painfully, and soon, and one more source of evil will be removed from the world.
You know, I think it's funny when the first insult to come out of someone's mouth is "fat". It means you've already lost the argument if all you can do is describe what I look like. To me, it's like going.."you green eyed girl!" Of course I'm fat! Tell me something that bothers me! Yes, I have a fat ass! I have for 20 years!
It disarms them when you laugh at them.
My favorite thing down here is a radio DJ who got a DUI with HER KID IN THE CAR equating fat to worthless. Umm......chica....have you read your criminal record lately?
Midoryn
I totally agree with that. Fat is the ultimate cheap shot comment. It's like ugly, it's the only thing that a person with no brains or vocabulary can think of that makes everyone in the room go "tee hee he/she called you fat." I'm also really sick of "lazy" going along with fat. I do more in a day than your average person, and probably eat less, but then when I stand up for myself on any issue, it's bam....."fat and lazy." Never mind that there are skinny people who essentially spend their whole lives on a couch, if they're not fat, well it's perfectly all right. Bleh.
Midoryn, I like that! "If the best you can do is describe what I look like, you've already lost the argument."
I always wonder at this - why do so many women feel the need to run down other women? This is actually, I think, why I have fairly few close women friends - men don't pull this kind of crap. At least not that I've seen.
I mean, yeah, calling someone 'fat" should be seen as no more a descriptive term than "she has curly hair" or "she usually wears glasses," but our society being what it is (and our individual socializations tending to be what they are), it is seen as an insult.
You know, I'd be pretty hurt if someone called me "fat" as a way of trying to discredit my ideas or shut me up. But then, after I got past the hurt and the shock, I'd be angry - I'd be like, "THAT'S the best you can do? Why didn't you give me a chance to defend my IDEAS."
I mean - I can respond to "I think your ideas aren't really applicable because you come from a priveliged background and you don't really know what it's like to be working-class." Or I can respond to "But you've never experienced the same kind of discrimination an ethnic minority experiences." But there's really no good idea-laden comeback to, "Yeah? Well, you're fat."
I mean, other than, "Yes, I am. And that matters because?"
But honestly? I'm not to the point where I'm strong enough to say that. I'm still gonna be hurt.
That said - it's a sick society where an average-sized woman is derided as "fat." It's just like, in some circles, as soon as your hair starts to go a little gray, people push names of colorists or brands of hair dye on you - even if (almost especially if) you have expressed ZERO desire to color your hair.
Just let me age. Just let me go gray, wrinkle, get old. Just let me be myself. That includes being a little fat. If it bothers you, that's your problem and not mine. I recommend you change your perception - it will happen more readily, believe me, than me changing the way I look.
I'm sorry it threatens you that I'm fat and am not torturing myself to stop being fat.
I'm sorry if it threatens you with your own mortality that you see me starting to age.
But really, those are your problems and not mine.
(I just wish I were tough enough to say that out loud to people.)
Hmm...I never found "Fat" to be a laughable insult, but while it's also just a descriptor, it's taken for granted that it's a horrible thing, and that's what makes it so hurtful to me.
It's not the same as anyone saying, "You have green eyes," because no one (that I know of) is repulsed by green eyes and green eyes aren't a trait considered disgusting by most people. I could never really feel this way. Whenever someone says I'm fat, I think about what this means to them--mostly that they also find me ugly and repulsive, so it's just as hurtful if they were to call me those words (if I care about the person's opinion at all).
I can't remember where I read this now, but it might have been recounted in one of Rodger Kamenetz's books.
Anyway, it was a description of a gay pride parade, in which a lesbian motorcyle club had made a banner which proclaimed them to be "Dykes on Bikes". The salient thing was that they had taken the word "dyke", nominally an insult, and not only made it a matter-of-fact observation, like being tall or having blonde hair, but also a status to be proud of. I, at least, have been striving to do this with the word "fat".
I hope that one day, when someone insults me by calling me fat, I can manage to 1) not feel hurt, and 2) come back with some kind of calm and rational response (e.g. "yes, I am obviously fat, but really you are calling me stupid, and I take issue with that").
Of course, if it's Dr. Laura, I'll just walk away, because you just can't argue with the irrational.