Dear Abby: You Suck.

I was thinking:"Dear Abby,I am Jewish. I'm not Orthodox, but I follow some of the dietary laws. I am employed as a receptionist and we bring in our own lunches. My boss insists on interfering with my lunches. I've tried keeping my food out of the communal refridgerator and even brought in my own cooler, but my boss still finds ways around it and puts bacon bits or shrimp in my salads. I've tried talking to him about it, but since then he's switched my sandwiches with ham sandwiches. Abby, my boss is atheist. He hasn't tried to follow a religion like I have, nor does he understand why it's so important to me. When I keep complaining about it he justs laughs at me. I need my job and can't afford to lose it. Do you have a clever way I can get the point accross?"Or maybe: "Dear Abby,I have cerebral palsy and am in a wheelchair. I am employed as a receptionist in a tall office building. My boss insists on conducting major meetings in a wing of the building that only has stairs and no ramps. I've tried reserving other rooms that are accessible for our meetings, but my boss just reschedules them for the original room. I've spoken to him and explained my difficulties to him and the awkwardness of depending on coworkers to lift me up and down stairs, but he just laughed at me. I need my job and can't afford to lose it. Do you have a clever way I can get the point accross?"Now, would cases like the be considered discrimination and cause for legal action? Or is that just a question of the boss having a "sadistic sense of humor"? Also, why the suggestion that the writer take walks durings breaks? The writer never suggested that he/she doesn't exercise. And where in the letter did it state, or even imply, that the writer was a compulsive overeater? Most thin, non-eating-disordered people I know enjoy sweets and are likely to eat candy if it's put in front of them. The boss is a jerk, pure and simple. 

"... but I crave sweets." "...nor does he seem to crave sweets the way I do. I sometimes work 10 or 12 hours a day, and it's torture."  "I need my job and can't afford to lose it.  -- CONSTANTLY TEMPTED IN CANTON, OHIO" We'll have to agree to disagree on this because if a candy dish in front of her causes such distress because, to her own admission, she constantly craves sweets and it's torture for her to control herself, then I believe there's something wrong there. Maybe that is an eating disorder and perhaps OA may help her.  At first I immediatly jumped to her defense likening it to putting alcohol in front of an alcoholic, but then I thought about it, and outside of working in a bar, that really doesn't apply.  What if a co-worker had a dish of sweets on her desk easily available, should that co-worker have to remove it because some one else can't control themselves? I don't think so.  I think the best course is for her to keep moving the dish everytime her boss puts it in front of her and she should look into the reason for her out of control cravings.  But I do agree that Dear Abby for the most part is a jerk big time!   

Ha!  I read this at Dear Abby's site last night and immediately fired off a rebuttal.  The woman described working 10 and 12 hour days, and I think most people have a hard time passing up a candy dish when lunch was 5 hours ago and you can't leave for another hour or two.  If we were talking about a girly calendar, a pagan idol, or even a guy with strong cologne, steps would be taken to remove items if people voiced offense.  But in this case, Abby assumed that because she had trouble eschewing candy, that she must be a compulsive eater.  Right, because everyone knows anyone who likes candy is a compulsive eater, and any FAT person who likes candy should really be in a 12-step program.Not to mention, Abby didn't really answer what she asked, which was for a snappy comeback.  Instead, she got one more ignorant jackass making assumptions and ignoring what she actually said.  Then she had the nerve to tell this woman she should also be skipping lunch and "going for a walk".   As if skipping meals makes it easier to eschew the candy dish.  *shakes head*

This is what I wanted to send to Abby, but I can't get the $#@*! form to send: Your advice to the overweight receptionist who complained of her boss' poor behavior toward her missed the mark. Abby, when people play immature mind games with their employees, the problem is NOT the employee's "compulsive eating." In fact, this is called "blaming the victim." You should examine your own bigotry before making blanket assumptions about why the letter-writer was overweight. She said she was tempted--as people of all sizes tend to be in the face of sweets--but she DIDN'T say she "had no self control." Nor should you assume that fat automatically equals a compulsive overeater. If you really wanted to help this woman, you should point her in the direction of considerable research that proves dieting does not work in the long run, nor does it necessarily improve health.--Tired of the prejudice

Wasn't there a column just a few days ago where a woman was complaining about her husband having put on some weight, and how she wasn't attracted to him anymore because of it, sexually?  The writers for Dear Abby told her to grin and bear it and encourage her husband to lose weight.  They didn't even hint at the fact that the woman may want to consider how much she loves her husband and how incredibly shallow and superficial she was being.  

oh sorry, my mistake, it was "Annies Mailbox" (renamed since Ann Landers passed away).I never did understand why there were two separate columns that gave exactly the same advice.  

I think this letter, like most is a fake but even so I want to poke my eyes out when I see the term "compulsive overeating". If you are fat, *any* eating is termed "compulsive".

Michelle, you're dead right on it, to my mind. And that Abby woman is full of wind, as can be seen by her response to the beastly mil who wouldn't let her fat dil sit on the couch (It's somewhere on BFB, in the forums I think).

We'll have to agree to disagree on this because if a candy dish in front of her causes such distress because, to her own admission, she constantly craves sweets and it's torture for her to control herself, then I believe there's something wrong there. Maybe that is an eating disorder and perhaps OA may help her. All it tells me is that the woman is hungry. I suspect that she craves sweets because she doesn't eat enough to get her through the work day. With an office culture like the one she desribes, she probably feels like she has to appear to be dieting all the time and eats a too-small lunch. Then, she's hungry all day and has trouble passing up the candy. Or, maybe she just likes candy. Since when is it compulsive overeating to want to snack when a favorite food is available? Is there anyone who wouldn't? Or am I a compulsive overeater because I'll eat a mini-candy bar or two when someone puts them out at the office? Give me a break!

I just sent my response, which ended with the following:  "Thanks for reinforcing the attitude that it's completely OK to bully and tease fat people in the workplace".

I would have suggested keeping a trash can nearby, and tossing the candy into it whenever he put it on her desk. A very direct way to get the message across.

Maybe she craves the sweets so much not because she's a compulsive overeater, but because she's a RESTRAINED eater. She mentioned being on a diet.I'm not entirely sure what I think of this, beyond the fact that Dear Abby ALWAYS sucks.

Here's my letter to the nutcases at "Dear Abby""Abby" --You clearly need to be straightened out about a couple of things, as demonstrated by your response to a reader who asked how she should respond to the harassment she was subjected to by her boss because of her weight.First, "Compulsive" eating/overeating is a specific medical condition.  It is estimated that approximately 6 million people in the United States are compulsive overeaters.  That leaves about 59 million adults who are considered "overweight" and "obese" who are NOT compulsive overeaters.  Unless you are a trained physician or psychologist who can diagnose patients by mail, please be mindful of this fact in the future.Second, the woman did not ask for advice on weight loss.  She sought your advice about how to deal with harassment.  A recommendation that she complain to her company's HR department would have been appropriate.  So would a suggestion that she immediately begin looking for another job.  If she lives in a city, county or state that has adopted legislation or regulations prohibiting discrimination based on body size, she should file a complaint with the appropriate government agency.Your response is typical of a society that places the blame for mistreatment, harrassment and discrimination against people because of their size on the people being harassed, rather than on their harassers.  If she was African- American and her boss was constantly leaving offensive literature on the reception area, would you have suggested that she seek treatment to change the color of her skin?  If she were a conventionally attractive person and her boss was making lewd suggestions to her, would you suggest that she make herself look less attractive to avoid his attention?  It is in no way this woman's fault that she is being subjected to this harassment, and your response suggests that she is solely to blame for her boss's actions.  Nonsense.Harassment is never OK, regardless of who is being harassed or why.

Oh, and rock on chai -- it probably wouldn't take long for the idiot in charge to get THAT message!

Working as a receptionist myself, I really have to disagree with many of you.  As I'm sure a lot of you are aware, many front offices put out candy for clients and customers as an act of hospitality.  It is known at my office that the candy is for guests, NOT employees, and it would be reasonable to assume she is in a similar situation.  I would hardly file this under harassment, but more towards a lack of self control.  That is a problem with the receptionist, not the employer.  For example, I wouldn't expect an alcoholic to work at a bar because of the temptation.  In my opinion she has 3 options:  look for a new job, exercise some self control, or bring other low calorie food items to snack on when temptation arises (celery, carrots, etc.).  While Abby's Overeaters Anonymous advice may seem a bit extreme to some, from my perspective, anyone who is tortured by jar of candy is more than likely a compulsive eater.   

Lala... did you even read the letter? All she asked was that the candy not be directly in her eye-line, and made several pro-active suggestions as to where the candy could be placed, still within easy reach of the customers.  The insistence of her boss that it be directly in front of her is the issue.  

I agree that she should have gone to the HR dept.  If the company is so small that there was no HR dept., then she should begin looking for another job.

I feel like most of the debate on here is over what exactly the writer meant by "torture" (It is interesting to me though that we're assuming it's a she because the letter never said that directly!) I think a lot of dieters would casually use the word "torture" to describe being tempted like that. But even if the candy is intented for visitors to the office, even if the writer is a compulsive eater, it doesn't excuse the fact that the boss laughed at the issue. To me that says that there's not necessarily any reason for him to move the candy other than to be obnoxious; if he had a reasonable explanation I'd say the writer had a problem, but without that explanation there's no excuse for his behavior.

If she is in fact the main receptionist, the clients will be standing in front of her desk, and therefore the candy should be there as well.  I'm sure her boss is a jerk, most are, but generally the people in charge like things a certain way and its really out of her control.  I'd suggest finding a boss more compassionate to her situation.

This is an interesting issue to me.  I had a boss that would torture me on a daily basis, and I'm fairly positive it was 50% because I pointed out when she was wrong (she's not a mature enough person to be able to accept when she's wrong), and 50% because I'm fat.  But I can't prove that.  The fat part of it, except for one incident that I was so distraught over I didn't have the forethought at the time to preserve any evidence of, was very subtle and probably subconscious.  She would assume that if I didn't do something it was because I was lazy, never because I was never told to, didn't have the resources I needed, or just plain forgot.  That's an example of the way she would act. Food was an issue with her, too.  We had our team meetings in the morning, so she set up this rotation where one person would bring breakfast each meeting.  When she was dieting, she would turn it down and make a comment about how she was on a diet or that she wasn't hungry and how you shouldn't eat if you're not hungry, and then look directly at me.  I was the only large person on her team, by the way. I also have a sweet tooth, and I also tend to not feel as well when I eat too many sweets (no, I'm not diabetic, but my body is sensitive to lots of different types of foods), so when people put out sweets sometimes I wish they wouldn't.  Yes, I control what I eat, but sometimes it's so long until lunch and I just can't help myself.  Now, if these sweets were in front of my face every day even though there were alternative places to put them, you bet I would be pissed.  I have self control, I'm not a compulsive eater, and I often turn down foods I enjoy if I know I'll be better off without them (not always easy to turn down those jalapenos, even though I know my stomach might cramp up, for example).  But that's just plain inconsiderate of her boss to put her in that situation on a daily basis.  She shouldn't have to stand for it.

<em>Maybe she craves the sweets so much not because she's a compulsive overeater, but because she's a RESTRAINED eater. She mentioned being on a diet.</em>I agree with this, and the way I read the letter, it sounded like the boss was being disrespectful.  This was the key issue and it wasn't addressed.

This one struck me as a "control" issue. The boss was determined to control where that dish was, so Abby's answer really didn't make any sense.If this were me, I would take charge of getting the candy for the dish, and then I would buy a candy I didn't like. I was a compulsive overeater (caused by dieting; not dieting cured it) and even at my most out-of-control, there was candy that I wouldn't touch.

Wow, Carolyn, that is a great suggestion -- how hard would it have been for "Abby" to give that same type of advice?  Whomever has taken over the writing of this advice column has maintained the judgemental, stuck-in-the-50s advice of the original Abby, from the looks of this response.  Nice, knee-jerk recommendation to OA.  It's difficult to see a good solution when one is so fixated on the problem.  I hope she figured something out.  If this letter is actually real (does anyone really write to advice columns anymore?) then hopefully the writer just missed the publication of her response rather than reading that useless advice and feeling worse about herself.

The boss is just plain rude. When the employee requested that a candy dish be moved out of her line of sight, it was common courtesy to move the dish.  She didn't ask for her desk to be moved out of her cubicle, for her file cabinet to be shoved down the hall, or her computer to be tossed out the window.  All she asked was for the candy dish to be moved a few feet. What has happened to common courtesy? Many discriminatory comments would go unsaid if the person wanting to make the comments would just stop and think about the need to respect the dignity of another human being.  I think the writer should have sent her letter to Miss Manners instead of Dear Abby.  

It is too bad Jeanne Phillips does not have the sensitivity, intelligence, or grasp of the human condition that her mother had. The first time I heard about NAAFA was when reading a Dear Abby column in the Los Angeles Times sometime around 1980. Someone wrote in unhappy about being fat. Dear Abby responded with advice to check out organizations like Weight Watchers or TOPS (Take off Pounds Sensibly), then ended stating if none of those options worked, she recommended they try NAAFA.

I don't see how the writer's being oversensitive. It's just unfair and unkind behavior to put something in front of a person that they don't want to indulge in but are tempted by. (Whether or not she's eating enough during the day is another matter: I know for a fact if I eat a "decent" lunch I will be fine at 4 pm, and if I eat a "dieter's" lunch, I will be ravenous and have a hard time not spoiling my appetite for dinner). An alternative situation might be this: say you are having a very small gathering - say, four friends in a book club - at your house. It is Lent. You know one of your friends LOVES chocolate but has given it up for Lent.  Do you put out chocolates or chocolate cookies as one of the snacks? I would not. I'd find some other alternative so as not to tempt the person on a "chocolate fast." It's only kindness. It's only courtesy. (Likewise, if one of the members was trying to deal with pre-diabetes and change her diet, I'd see to it that I had some kind of crackers or cheese or veggies that woulod work well with her diet. And probably not have as many cookies out there, or no cookies at all, if it seemed to be a big issue for her).  All she asked was that the candy be out of her line-of-sight. (And I like the two suggestions for dealing with the boss' apparent need for control: either buying candy you dislike and using it to stock the dish, or dumping the candy every time it winds up in your line-of-sight. [although that last one might lose you your job]) 

On the flip side, Amy Dickinson's column, Ask Amy, has a fabulous response today to an uncle who is "concerned" about his nephew's weight. [link below in next post - Paul]I was super impressed. I wish more adults in my life had been give this advise when I was a kid!

Sorry about that. Let's try this: Ask Amy

do you think if the woman left out her weight or the fact that she was dieting the advice would be the same? somehow, i do not.  i have to calm down now, i'm so aggrivated.

"I would hardly file this under harassment, but more towards a lack of self control. That is a problem with the receptionist, not the employer. For example, I wouldn't expect an alcoholic to work at a bar because of the temptation. " I do not understand how it is a "control" issue, or why there needs to be candy there just because it is a receptionist's desk. Is this a candy factory? Why does there need to be candy there? This letter, which I still believe is fake, and the fact that someone could turn this into a comparison of alcoholism is just absurd.

I am the woman who wrote to Dear Abby about the candy dish being right in my eyeline while I work all day and what a temptation it was. When my boss saw the Dear Abby column in the paper, he realized how insensitive it was and when I came to work the next day the dish was moved and I got an apology. He realizes that I am very busy and I work alot of hours so getting out to exercise is almost impossible since we all eat lunch in the office at our desks while we are working. He did offer to arrange a discount at the gym where he works out but I have 2 kids and a husband with a disability and I work overtime too much to get much use out of it. I have exercise equipment at home and I try to get on it when I can which is a couple times a week. Anyway, all food is now kept in the kitchen at the office and everyone keeps snacks in their desk so I can keep healthy stuff in my desk. But it is great not having that temptation right in front of me all day long especially when the work I do is stressful anyway. I think with any addiction or any temptation that what might tempt me might not tempt you. You could put a bag of potato chips in front of me and I wouldn't eat it but if you put that in front of a few of my friends or my husband, they would have to eat the whole bag. My boss does try to keep my favorite diet pop (soda) stocked so that I have that for a pick me up in the afternoon. But I have accepted the fact that I am fat and I will never be skinny but I do try to maintain what I have. I think as long as I stay healthy and take care of myself that I will be fine but I shouldn't make my problems worse by eating candy all day and I shouldn't have to be stressed out by resisting that temptation all day. We still give candy to our clients. They all know where it is and feel free to take some but I don't have to look at it all day. One client asked where it was and why it was moved but once I said the reason he was very polite about it. I have only been a member of this website for today but I think our purpose here is to teach people to be sensitive to fat people, that we aren't all lazy slobs, and recognize us for our talents and gifts rather than our size. As I always say, I don't get to pick the cards I'm dealt but I'm going to play them the best that I can. I didn't pick to be fat, but I'm not going to play the card that I have to be treated like a second class citizen - I'm going to throw it out there and trump the whole round.

One more comment - I did think Dear Abby was totally insensitive as well. I think that she would have been more sensitive if I was a recovering drug addict or a recovering alcohol addict than if I was just fat. I think everyone is addicted to something whether it be shopping, athletics, food, drama, cigarettes, alcohol, etc. I just think that if someone tells you they have a problem with an addiction you should be gracious enough not to tempt them with whatever the addiction is. Stress will kill you a whole lot faster than being fat and resisting temptation is stress. Thanks for reading!!! Dee

Welcome dee3000! I'm glad to hear your boss finally moved the dish. I don't think Dear Abby did a very good job giving you advice; she seemed to have completely missed the main issue. But writing to her did get your boss to "get it". I hope you will stick around the site and participate sometimes. It's a great site and has helped me numerous times along my self-acceptance path. I love reading the insightful things people have to say.